Big title but I’m going to make it a short story.

Early 2000s I’m coming home from college after the Spring semester.
In these days the holy bible of going out was a weekly magazine that had all the bands and bar special news from the Jersey Shore to Rockland County NY called ‘Steppin’ Out’.

At that time, it the only way to know where to go unless you were one of those D-bags that went to the same spot every week – rinse, wash, repeat –
<I did that for a hot minute but it was also when I had a fake ID and was limited to places I could go>.

Anyway… I go to see the locally famous TK Walker Band at the Wagon Wheel in Bergenfield, NJ with one of my brothers and a few people he worked with. Everyone is asking me about college and how baseball went so I’m feeling like a bit of a “hot-shot”.

The shots start coming and everyone is getting rounds for each other. I turn around to chat with an old buddy and there’s a 41 year old, recently divorced, top heavy women standing in front of me – asking me – “who I am”.
Being a 21 year a$$hole at this point in my life I reply with a few cheeky remarks and go about my night.

Well I guess this girl must have been the hot chick in high school or when she was married her husbands friend all wanted to bang her because that offended her a bit. For the rest of the night I’m getting weird looks from this women so after a certain point I go back over to her and chit-chat a bit with her.

At that time she confesses to me all her friend think she’s crazy because she has a bit of a crush on me and wants to hear more of my story.

Now seeing blood in the water with other sharks swimming near me I know I’m in. I ask her to guess how old I am
– she says: IDK 24/25
– I reply: yeah something like that I’m still in grad school (little white lies, shhh)

Her friends come over to grab her and I’m thinking “oh well…”
I see her grab her coat and walk outside and at that moment I turn around to go pee.

When I come out of the restroom she’s standing right there. Gives me a kiss, hands me a piece of paper with her #, and tells me to call her in about 30-45 minutes.  <yeah, this was before texting was a real thing>

I’m a bit surprised by all of this but after a lot of drinks I’m thinking with the wrong head. We part ways and I go back to my friends.

30 minutes later things are winding down so I say my goodbyes and go to my car. I pull the # out of my pocket and say to myself “why not…” and give her a shout.

I call and she picks up after the 1 ring with an enthusiastic “Hi!!! I was waiting for you to call…”

So I get invited over but upon hearing she lives about 20 minutes away. The directions are shockingly simple and clear but I’m second guessing it. Drinking and driving is never a good look but this is before the days of UBER so it’s a roll of the dice decision I need to make.

I decide – F-it! Let’s do it!

Driving over there is pretty easy but as I’m approaching her place another car heading the opposite direction creeps over the double yellow making me swerve a bit clipping a side view mirror on a parked car. No damage to my car as I had foldable mirrors but that could have been really bad, and I know I was likely over on the B.A.C. – so definitely dodged a bullet there.

I show up and it’s on from the start. She lives in a tiny single floor home that looks to be 2 Br 1 Ba with a large open kitchen into the living room center.

I ask if her roommate is there, as I see guy’s shoes near the door, and she quickly brushes that comment off to the side saying “no he’s out with his girlfriend and won’t be home till the morning…”

She pours some wine but I just drag her into the bedroom for the fun to begin.

About 5 minutes into things, a see out of my peripheral vision something large moving. I freak out a bit and she’s like “don’t worry it’s just ‘Boozer’ my dog”, I shake it off and go back to what I was doing. A minute latter the dog jumps up on the bed. Worst timing ever with this one as I know she’s totally about to climax and I’m slowly getting there.

I try to kick the dog off while I’m on top of her and it starts licking the sweat off my a$$.

Well that quickly ruined things.

She tells me the dog usually sleeps in her room and he’s normally very chill with everything.
My response is “so he normally doesn’t try to make it a 3-way or other dudes are okay with that?”

She walks the dog out of the room and closes the door. In apologizing she does so with her mouth and we try to correct the mood.

Well that’s when her ‘ROOMMATE’ comes back home which turns out to be her 17 year old son, with his girlfriend. Pretty sure the kid immediately knows something is up as he yells out “Mom, why is Boozer in the living room with your door closed?”
Mom jumps up and puts on a bathrobe asking me to just sit tight for a few minutes. The kid now 100% knows MOMs BEEN BANGING and <out of left field> asks her to make him and his GF a grilled cheese. They start to argue and this drags on for a few minutes. I all of a sudden need to pee and I’m holding it waiting for the ‘all clear sign’ so I can try to run to the bathroom. Mom comes back into the bedroom, I tell her I need to go. The kid and his GF start watching TV in the living room as she’s asking him to go to his room.
He questions – why?
Mom breaks down and admits she has a ‘FRIEND’ over.

At this point in time, I’m over everything and really need to pee. I get dressed and walk out into the living room.

*-PRICELESS MOMENT-*

The look on the kids face instantly told me he will need years of therapy to get over this one. I’m 21, he’s 17. We look – basically – the same age and the girlfriend just starts cracking up.

I go pee, and hear loud whispering about me only making out “WTF Mom, how old is he?”

I realize it’s time to go, so upon exiting the bathroom I grab my stuff and say goodbye. The mom doesn’t know what to say – with the kid there. The girlfriend is still slightly laughing, and the 17 year looks like he wants to fight me.

Mom gives me a bottle of water and walks me out. I forget what she said to me, but we never spoke again.